peppering

Why pretend to avoid Martha Stewart's new tv show, The Apprentice? Let our guilty pleasures be known and float about the white, airy open spaces of her NYC offices.

I wanted to see Martha literally drive into the building, with the help of her car elevator. I wanted to see her bark orders at her staff, and force them to keep everything impossibly neat and well-ordered.

The place looks like a 3-D rendering of one of her magazine spreads. No lie. The "loft" in which the contestants sleep resembles an impeccable country estate. I actually covet the rectangular paint chip art that bedecks the halls. Let's face it, this woman can decorate.

Amid many a fake-hello from staffers, I wonder how come every five minutes, someone is asking Martha, "How are you?" and yet, she doesn't always reply. Could be the editing, but I doubt it.

The strangest thing was the groupie vibe. One contestant got visibly misty at the sight of the light-filled lobby. The ear-to-ear grins were so relentless, I pictured the air vents piping in laughing gas. They simply could not stop smiling.

The biggest bummer is that instead of saying the catchy, "You're fired" a la The Donald, Martha says, "You just don't fit in," which sounds cruel, pointy, and mean.

All that focus grouping and that's what they came up with? How about Traci Ullman's jovial phrase, "Go home." And if you artfully place orchids around your home, you're that much closer to Martha.